Posted on March 3rd, 2024

10-20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. That’s 10-20 out of 100 women. You may hear terms like spontaneous abortion, pregnancy loss, or nonviable pregnancy- all of these mean a miscarriage. Many times, even the doctors don’t know why miscarriages happen. Don’t believe the lie that you did something or ate something that caused a miscarriage. There are many old wives’ tales out there concerning pregnancy- if you have heartburn, the baby will have a lot of hair. If you crave sweets, the baby is likely a girl. Well one 2016 study from Harvard Women’s Health Watch states if you have nausea and vomiting, you’re least likely to have a miscarriage. I didn’t have nausea or vomiting for any of my pregnancies, so I take these studies with a grain of salt. Truth is, there are so many factors with conception and pregnancy, many times it’s difficult give definite answers.

Seek Support

There’s an old Chinese proverb that says, “”You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair.”

What does that mean? Sorrows and grief come with life but you must take steps to move past that grief and sorrow- sometimes that means seeking help. When I had a late term miscarriage, I needed help. I was diagnosed with depression and going through the stages of grief, yes there are stages, was difficult, to say the least. Getting help from my therapist and friends made the stages easier (not easy).

It’s so hard living without the child we imagined would be. A parent should never have to bury their child, so I’ve heard. Is it harder to get through the pains of the miscarriage because there was no burial? Do I feel this way because of the loss of my little love? Seeking support and help can answer the many questions you may have during this time. A pastor, a therapist or a friend’s shoulder and ear can ease so many feelings of hurt, pain, and confusion.

Grief comes in Stages

Some people talk about these as if one goes through them in linear fashion, one right after the other, but no, this isn’t how grief flows. We are human and we need to process loss in a way that makes sense to us, and those stages usually coincide with our personality. Denial: In this stage, the world becomes useless and overpowering. Life has neither rhyme nor reason. We are in a condition of shock and disavowal. We go numb. We can’t help thinking about how we can go on.

Anger: This is an essential phase. Experience your anger, despite the fact that it might appear to be unending and scary at times. The more you genuinely feel it, the more it will start to fade and the more you will heal. You may find yourself lashing out to your family, the loved one you loss, your own body, God, and even the gas attendant. Anger has tentacles, be careful to seek help (Refer to #2) and have sympathetic and empathetic companions near you. Bargaining: there are many “if only” “what if” and feelings of guilt in this stage. It seems like you would give anything to have your baby back, or give anything not to feel the pain. This is where many people get “stuck”, but seek help if you need to.

Depression: In the wake of dealing with the loss of our child, our thoughts moves soundly into the present. Void sentiments introduce themselves, and melancholy enters our lives on a more intense deeper level, further than we at any point envisioned. This burdensome stage feels like it will endure forever. Acceptance: Not that we believe that what happened is “ok” or we’re “alright”, but that we can move past our pain and begin to enjoy life again. We can accept, even though we don’t like, the reality of the fact that our child is gone. 

The stages of grief take time, so remember to give it that- time.